untouchable.
January 16th, 2012 § 2 Comments
For as long as I can remember I’ve been insecure. {wow. what a way to start a post!}
For as long as I can recall I’ve had body image issues. {how about that for some open heart truth?}
For as long as I can recollect I’ve been holding on to and watering a lie that has been rooted deep within me.
But. No. More.
Insecurity. An evil word that has, at times, sucked the life out of me and paralyzed me into a completely helpless mess. A word that had penetrated to the core of my being and shredded my very sense of worth. It has controlled me, taunted me and even made me a fool to Satan’s manipulative lies.
For a long time I didn’t want to face this battle with my insecurities. I wanted to pretend that I didn’t need to deal with it. I wanted to believe that it wasn’t an issue, that it was under control and that it really wouldn’t hinder my present growth or future purpose. I didn’t want to bring it to God, because in all honesty, the lies were so deeply engrained in my heart that I felt like this was something that could never be healed. I purposely kept my insecurity and self consciousness away from God {okay, who am i kidding? he knew. i knew he knew. so what was i thinking?} and I purposely didn’t surrender it over to him.
I kept playing this bargaining game with God. I wanted to live a life that was obedient to him and fully live out my calling, but I was dead set on keeping my insecurity fully intact. {why do we do this to ourselves? because let’s face it, consciously or subconsciously..this is a whole female gender kind of thing!} I was completely set on keeping my insecurity to myself and hold on to it with a death grip to not surrender it to God. {for some reason, this fear that God couldn’t handle my insecurities saturated my every thought and emotion. as if my fears were too realistic and truthful for him to battle and that i would be the one person that couldn’t be set free…}
It’s ironic the way that God works sometimes. As you may know, I am involved with a young women’s ministry through my new church, and I consider it such an incredible honor to have the opportunity to be a part of the speaking team for this upcoming semester. {so so exciting! i literally cannot wait!} So guess my surprise when I heard what the topic was going to be for my first speaking engagement in two years…. yep, you guessed it; Insecurity.
It was in that collision of my fears and future, I realized that my bargaining attempts with God had fallen flat. Yes God was giving me a speaking opportunity, something that I longed and pray for, however, I was going to have to hand over to God the one thing that had always been untouchable. I could hear God telling me, “Laura, I’ll give you the chance to speak, but if you want to speak, you have to hand over your fear. If you don’t let me defeat this now, how can I move you forward?“
From that moment, I decided no more. I decided that insecurity would no longer be a part of my being. I surrendered my fears. Handed over my unhealthy thoughts. And placed my utter brokenness at the feet of Jesus.
I wish I could say I was dramatically healed in that moment! {if only it was that easy!} Unfortunately, the battle is still in full force, but what is greater is the sense of peace that I have. Coming from a lady who never thought that God could heal my image issues, I can tell you with truth and honesty, that when your heart is in the hands of your creator there is a powerful peace in knowing that the victory will be yours. Satan no longer has his manipulative and evil grip in me, because God has the victory, and I belong to God! Therefore, even though my battle will continue on, I can place my trust in the one who made me, because with him on my side, I will defeat this. I am defeating this.
So my question for you; what is it that you have labeled as untouchable to God? Is it an insecurity? Is it a relationship? Is it your job or finances? Is it your friendships? Is it your future plans?
Whatever it may be, God is desperately seeking to be a part of every area of your life. To heal your heart from brokenness. To grant you blessings in and through your life. And to place you into your divine purpose. But in order for you to experience that healing, to receive that blessing, and to live out that purpose, you have to surrender everything, {let me say it again…ev-er-y-thing!} over to him.
I know what it is to try desperately to keep something from God. I know what it is to have genuine fear that God wouldn’t be able to heal me. I know what it is to truly believe that something is better in my control than God’s.
But I’m telling you {from experience} that those are all lies. Lies from the pit of hell itself!
God has something incredible in mind for your life….and it is inconceivable, unfathomable, illimitable freedom.
It takes time to be freed from the lies that Satan has placed within us, so why not start breaking the chains today? Why not surrender that one untouchable thing right now?
I can wholeheartedly say that breaking the first chain was the hardest, and each day I break more and more. It is a process; there is some pain and there is some turmoil. But I ultimately decided that my untouchable thing was much better off in God’s hands than mine. I ultimately decided that I would believe that God can and will heal every burden that I place at his feet, no matter how untouchable I claimed it to be.
Freedom is worth the hardship.
Freedom is worth the struggle.
Will you have faith that freedom is possible?
I hope so.
I truly hope so.
never say never.
January 5th, 2012 § 3 Comments
In honor of my first post of 2012, I thought that it would only be proper to talk about my first post from last year.
Last New Year was, to say the least, interesting. {Well… if I’m being completely honest… it was completely awful.} My family this time last year was in complete shreds. {And when I say shreds…I mean precisely that; my family was. in. pieces.} After a huge argument with my family {i’ll spare you the details}, I swore I would never speak to them again; in fact I swore I would never speak to certain individuals for the rest. of. my. life. Last January, instead of enjoying the thrill of a new year and all of it’s new possibilities while also cherishing family celebration for another year filled with wonderful memories and blessings, I was tirelessly planning my life’s journey of family avoidance. I laid out it all out in my mind; every family event that I wouldn’t attend, every relationship that I could avoid, the reactions I could get when I heartlessly ignored each one of their phone calls and texts; I was fully ready to cut myself off from the very people that shared my DNA. And I did just that for a good while. {I know there have to be other people out there that have reached this point with people in their lives…when you have sworn someone off “for good” and then continue to calculate every scenario of every possible way that you can avoid them. I know I can’t be alone in this situation…or am I?}
I won’t go into the grimy details of the fight or hash out every detail of its nauseating narrative, but I will say that to describe it most generally: beyond nasty things were said, feelings were marred beyond recognition and relationships were severed at the seams. It was a complete and utter mess. I can recall vividly last winter my broken and crushed sobs of pain, releasing not only tremendous heartbreak from unhealthy and hurtful words directed toward me but also releasing a deep fear of never speaking to my family again.
At the time I was filled with anger and rage because of the injustice that I had endured. I was enraged that I was expected to be the doormat once again to be verbally walked over. My post last year reflected those feelings; I was not going to be the doormat any longer. Just as Jesus spoke up for justice, so would I. I would stand up for myself, I would stand strong against people who tried to tear me down. I would pursue a Godly life….without those who would seek to knock my legs out from under me.
As time passed after this monstrous blow up, my proud stance began to be chipped away at, little, by little. My head kept repeating, “Don’t go back. Don’t talk to them. You’ll show them. You can live your life following Christ without them” but my heart began to whisper a different tune. I so badly wanted to stand for justice, to be strong in the fight for peace and love, and most of all, to not continue to place myself in a situation where I was constantly allowing myself to be a doormat to be walked all over. But how could I do that with this giant chip on my shoulder? How could I learn to love unconditionally and live a life that was fully devoted to Jesus’ ministry of complete peace and love when I myself had a boulder on my chest that was dragging me down into a pool of negativity and hatred? {and here the rubber met the road.}
Over the next few months, that different tune resonating in my heart became more clear. It was not avoidance nor eternal separation that would show a life that demanded justice and love; it was humility. And this is where my heart changed.
I have seen that so often as Christians we have a hard time finding a balance of strength and humility. We confuse humility with weakness and pride for strength. We are called to be strong in the fight for justice and love; to be persistent in the battle against Satan to conquer evil, injustice and inequality for the growth of the kingdom of God. And we are also called to ultimate humility. Humility isn’t weakness, it isn’t rolling over and allowing the other person to “win”, it isn’t even being a pushover to everyone else’s agenda. Humility is the divine place of power, because it is there where we can find sacrifice, servanthood and unconditional forgiveness and love. It is when we humbly bow down before our enemies, with a strength from God and security in our priestly identity in Christ, that we can win the eternal battle for peace.
There is a time and place for a firm stance that stands strong for justice and righteousness, however I believe that above that is Godly power in the stance of humility. I believe that I was right a year ago with that post {absolutely 100%…sometimes we need to get a little backbone to stick up for what is right!} but I have learned a powerful truth that accompanies that message. Above all, I know {as I have seen in my own life} that if we are pursuing the same goal of building a heavenly kingdom that is founded upon grace, love and peace, then shouldn’t we be doing everything in our power to contribute to those building blocks? Shouldn’t we, as those who live to mirror the very image of an all loving God, be the ones who are humbly bowing down with the authority of Christ’s truth to make peace in a world filled with hatred, violence and injustice?
So if you can guess, I sucked up my pride, got down on my knees, and made up with my family. And while we still have our disagreements, I can say that above all, grace has washed over those wounds that were violently given a year ago. Even more than that, on New Year’s Eve I was celebrating life and freedom with my family who just a year before I said I would never speak to again. I still literally break down in tears, knowing that the very person who in 2011 I declared I would never see again, I was humbly and lovingly embracing on New Year’s night of 2012. That is the power of humility. That is the power of God’s healing grace.
From this I can say two things; never say never. {sorry Justin Bieber, I stole your line…} When you say never to God, he may just choose to open that door right up. Let 2012 be a year filled with optimism to whatever God has in store for you, even if it’s a place you never wanted to go back to or a relationship you never planned to rekindle. {I’m serious when I say that I am so glad that God crushed my “never” attitude. It is so worth it.}
Also, humility is not weak; it is powerful. As those who are daily fighting to build a kingdom of mercy and love, we should be emulating that very character through the same stance of mercy and love. It is the most difficult thing in the world to suck up our pride {because often we mistake pride for strength…goodness knows I did} and create peace. I’m telling you, on the other end of all this, take the stance of humility. Take the stance of unconditional love and grace. You will eternally impact not only your life, but the kingdom of God.
the precedent.
December 21st, 2011 § 1 Comment
Almost this exact day last year I wrote a post about my natural instinct to force God’s plan in my life. {or maybe just nudge God in the right direction…and by that I mean my direction} I wrote about the story of Abraham and his sons, Isaac and Ishmael. {I’m not going to go into the story here…but you can read it here.} At the time I logically knew the moral of that story. I knew God’s nature; that everything in life will transpire in His good time and things will happen when He is good and ready to make it happen! I remember the exact time when I was writing that post; I remember as I studied the passage I felt like God was speaking so audibly to me about the importance of faith in his supreme timing. I knew I could have that kind of faith and I was eager to be patient for God’s greater blessings. {what an oxymoron…eager to be patient…oh I had so much to learn.} Even at that time, I knew the truth of God’s character, but I still didn’t have any personal connection to it. {you know…a personal connection like when something epic happens in your life that teaches you a divine truth that literally reshapes the way you view God? yeah, that kind of personal connection}
I have had to trust in God’s plans and timing before. Well actually, the things I trusted him with were kind of always on a time limit, so in essence, it was trusting in God but not really trusting in his timing.
For example, my undergrad. I transferred schools midway through my freshman year. In order to know God’s will for my school choice…financial aid…admission…dorming, etc…I would have had to hear his answers within a certain time frame to meet requirements set by the school. If the good Lord was going to give me money for my education he had a deadline to make it happen! {well at least that’s what we think} This kind of “trusting in the Lord’s timing” was faith, but it was a minuscule amount of faith compared to what the Lord wanted me to have.
I could trust him when there was a limited “time frame”, but could I trust when that structure wasn’t there? Could I trust when I am not pressed for deadlines…when I am literally waiting on God for the next step in life? And could I truly throw out my own desires and plans and simply believe that the God who knows everything about me would formulate and fulfill a holy, perfect design for my life? I wanted to have that kind of faith desperately. I wanted to have a faith that was content with where I was at, but also ready to hear God’s word. A faith that was joyful in the waiting process {why is simply having joy in the process of waiting the. most. difficult. thing. E.V.E.R?} and also at peace about where God would take me.
The hardest part about having this kind of faith was that I had never had to one hundred percent trust in God’s timing before. There had never been a precedent set in my life where I could think back to that one time when God’s divine fingerprints were all over a given situation and I saw with my own eyes that God’s timing truly was the best {the personal connection}. I wanted to go to seminary, start a ministry, find a church, start writing books… but those things weren’t in a structured time frame. They are all on God’s time frame. I couldn’t say to God…you have to give me an answer to *this* thing by *this* day or else I can’t do *this*. I had to simply say, I’m waiting for your answer…when you are ready God…when you think I’m ready.
Never would I realize that the very same truth that God opened my eyes to a year ago would be so profoundly proven in my life this year. Let me show you God’s divine timing fingerprints…
1. On a whim I decided to check out Northeastern Seminary’s informational meeting this past spring. I wasn’t seriously thinking about applying simply because it was located in Rochester and I do not have the funds to move all the way out there! Lo and behold…this fall was the first semester that they have offered online courses from Buffalo for my degree program.
2. A few weeks prior to starting classes I felt a nudge to try out The Chapel at Crosspoint {a church I always loved…but was way too far from my house to get seriously involved there. aka…I made excuses not to go.} Funny enough, a woman sat next to me at the NES Orientation who was from Buffalo and was actively part of…The Chapel. We obviously became attached at the hip. {and i’m telling you..if it weren’t for this lady I am not sure I would have made it out of this semester with all of my hair and sanity!}
3. My new friend {we’ll call her Kay for now…because I’m sure she’ll be included in some posts later on!} was accepted into NES last year…but felt God call her to be patient and wait to start classes this year.
4. Kay is one of the lead directors of a young women’s ministry that just kicked off this semester at The Chapel. She offered me a role as a small group leader for this brand new ministry.
5. I am so honored and humbled to say that next semester I will be part of the speaking team for that very same ministry!
These things all seem so simple. But in reality, if any one of those elements were out of God’s perfectly designed time frame, I wouldn’t be where I am today. {and therefore I wouldn’t have those future blessings either}
It was so difficult for me a year ago to trust in God’s schedule for my life. Now, I can see how his holy fingerprints are literally everywhere. God has displayed his power and glory in my life so that I would have a perfect precedent of faith for my future.
If you are going through that tough stage of faith that I went through {and still go through from time to time, heck I’m not perfect!} where you feel like you are trusting in God, but not his timing….take heart and keep believing. No matter how big or small you may think your faith is, just keep believing in his holy design. I can guarantee that he will lay out the most glorious faith precedent you could ever imagine. {I can say that boldly because I have seen it in my own life} God has shown and will continue to show his incredible ability to complete a perfect schedule. He will always use time on his side, to show off his boundless glory. May you be encouraged today that while you may think your faith is not big enough, as long as your eyes are on him, God will surely bless that.
God has an infallible, immaculate and impeccable design for your life. And he alone holds the divine schedule to allow all of that it to take place.
Even today, if you feel like you have been waiting forever for the answer to your prayers, be encouraged because God is setting in motion the flawless elements to make your blessing possible. If you are like me, and never had to step out with real faith in God’s timing, maybe this is God setting up your faith precedent for your future.
Take hope in the future, believing that God is a personal God, who has a distinct plan designed for your life. Believe that He is continuously working at every moment of the day to place every. single. element. of our lives in its necessary place so that we may take part in the glorious outcome.
cornered.
December 20th, 2011 § 1 Comment
One. More. Class.
That is what separates me and a three week long, relaxing and rejuvenating semester break. I cannot even believe that the semester is basically over! {I have no idea where all of the time went.} The last I remember it was August and I was just figuring out how to get to class…in the middle of rush hour…on the busiest roads in Western New York …without pulling out all of my hair or causing an accident! {I can guarantee that God specifically placed the campus in this area of Buffalo just so that I would learn that driving and patience do indeed go together} I literally feel like I just woke up from a reading coma; I think I may have fallen asleep somewhere around Labor Day…and now all of a sudden it’s Christmas! {which isn’t so great for this lady who has left the majority of her Christmas shopping for 4 days before the big day. oh. joy. note to self: wake up from reading coma earlier next year.}
Obviously at the end of each semester of school, whether that was in High School, undergrad or now graduate school {so crazy to think that I’m in grad school…so. so. crazy} I always find myself thinking about the what I accomplished during the semester. {maybe most people don’t do this?… or do you?} It’s incredible to recall the monumental highs and also the tremendous lows; the slap happy hysterical moments in class when every single person was hyped up on too little sleep and too much caffeine {which is not too far off from undergrad} and of course, the manic panic moment at four a.m. while staring blankly at a computer screen that displays a single sentence typed for an eight page paper due the very next day. {once again…not too far off from undergrad.}
I remember starting classes months ago, still feeling the weight of more than a year of depression on me. I distinctly recall in the first few weeks of class shedding beautiful graceful tears in my spiritual formation group. {well that is a complete lie..I attempted to be at least a “cute crier” at that time, but I failed miserably and of course my face scrunched up and the ugly cry was released in front of people who hardly knew me and I hardly knew} That outburst of tears released a crushed spirit and little hope for a bright future. It would be in the weeks that followed that I would experience the greatest epiphany of truth that brought me out of my year long battle with grief, depression and hopelessness. This semester I became a whole new woman.
I have learned truth in the past few months that has opened my eyes to a whole new depth of understanding of what my faith is defined by and founded on. I wish I could convey the passion with which I say this; the things that my heart and mind have been exposed to this semester have completely rekindled, realigned and refocused the dreams and desires that God has placed within me.
And then I remember….I could have missed out on it all.
The very week that I was going to start seminary I literally had a breakdown. {surprise surprise…but hey, there were a lot of breakdowns before I heard the truth}
All I could think about was “why I am going to seminary?“
I’m not in ministry.
I’m not a pastor.
I’m not a theologian.
Seminary is for pastors who know everything about the Bible and lead successful ministries; and I by no means am any of those things.
I remember sulking in my back room with my mind made up that I was not going to seminary. The dream that I had longed to fulfill was a week away from starting…and I was choosing to let it pass me by.
Needless to say, I overcame my mini meltdown and went to class. {hallelujah!!} And from there…my fears were long left behind.
I know that that breakdown was Satan. I know that he knew what this semester would bring for me. {that is; hope, joy, knowledge, friends, a church….I could go on and on…} And I know that he was doing everything in his power to convince me not to take a leap of faith.
I should have taken this meltdown as a sign that divine blessings were to come. I should have reminded myself that Satan always works in full force right before God displays his ultimate glory. Satan is continuously on the attack, fighting endlessly to derail us right as we are about to take a tremendous risk for the Kingdom of God.
May you be encouraged if you are pursuing God’s kingdom and you suddenly experience a breakdown, crisis or an extreme meltdown in certainty. Take that battle as confirmation that something divinely glorious is right around the corner.
May you be strengthened in the face of hardship and trials, because you then know that the next step you take will reap awe-inspiring heavenly blessing and immense movement for the kingdom.
I am so absolutely thankful that Satan did not win that battle the week before my classes started. I cannot image where I would be today if I had caved into his lies and deception. I hope that you can be victorious against Satan’s attempts to keep you out of God’s incredible plans for your life.
Don’t let him win those battles; fight for the marvelous reward right around the corner.
mundanely divine.
December 12th, 2011 § 1 Comment
Life has been crazy. It’s literally the kind of crazy where you find yourself always running to the next thing: Constantly doing something. Meeting someone. Completing this homework. Reading that assignment. Attending that meeting. Basically scrambling around trying to catch up to the present moment. {but in all of that madness…is it weird that I kinda sorta love that manic chaos?} In any case, it left little time for blogging. Even with a looming 20 page final paper, I am making time today to catch everyone up on three weeks of my life. {and with that come lessons learned and epiphanies had}
Naturally, I’ll pick up where I left off. {that would be the “start” of my job}
The first couple of days went fairly smoothly: Holiday party planning. Seeing all the friendly faces again. Falling into the same responsibilities and routine. It was a piece of cake.
Until the following Monday {when Satan decided to show up in my office}.
Although I can’t reveal every detail of how that Monday went terribly wrong, I can say this: there are some people that feel entitled to everything in life. Those same people are usually the ones that will coast on by…living in comfortable mediocrity…and when that mediocrity is uncomfortably tampered with…things don’t go over so well. {that’s all I’m saying…but I think you can get the gist of what I was dealing with. Have you ever experienced these kinds of people?}
Now when the “tantrums” began I lost my cool. The very last thing I wanted was to let the petty things of office life get to me; I wanted to be the image of love, patience and most of all grace in this job. But for that momentary morning, that image was slightly put to the side. {have you ever felt like this?? where you have this image of what you want and know you should be…and then the moment comes when you need to be that the most and to put it simply, you blow it??} I’m not saying that I killed anyone that morning, I just lost my patience and had a few moments of extreme aggravation and irritation.
I knew that in that morning I didn’t react the Godly, loving way. I knew that I let people’s poor attitude’s affect mine. But I didn’t want that to be the case going forward.
I started thinking about why I am at work. Why I am at school. Why I am pursuing ministry. Why I am living today surrounded by the people that I am. Why I have the past that I have. Why I am in this situation right now. In all of those “whys” I remembered one repeating reason from Ephesians…”to the praise of his glory.”
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.” {ephesians 1:3}
“…to the praise of his glorious grace…” {ephesians 1:6}
“In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.” {ephesians 1:11-12}
“The Spirit is God’s guarantee that he will give us the inheritance he promised and that he has purchased us to be his own people. He did this so we would praise and glorify him.” {ephesians 1:14}
This is why I am doing everything I am doing. That’s why my seemingly mundane day-to-day work experiences are actually divinely predestined moments that together work toward a greater plan purposely crafted to glorify the one who created this entire world.
When I started to think about the larger {much larger…and much more holy and divine} picture of life, it puts the petty problems into their proper place {which is absolutely worthless and insignificant}. When I look at these bold, precise, powerful statements, it reminds me of my place in God’s glorious kingdom. I am chosen {you are chosen} by God to bring glory to his name through all circumstances, through all attitudes, through all disappointments, through all successes, through all of life. Through absolutely everything, it is all for the praise of his glory.
To be honest, I’ve been writing this post for three days. Well, actually I’ve been going back and forth about actually publishing it for three days. This post isn’t any new epiphany, it isn’t a new catchy phrase, in fact, this a basic concept from scripture that is older than I am {way older}! This idea is the most fundamental, basic idea that Christians hold to.
So then if it is so basic and so fundamental…why is it so easy for me to forget? Why is it so easy in the times of struggle, obstacles and poor attitudes to bypass the fundamental and central purpose of our being?? {simply because we are human} Even though we have the image of God poured into every ounce of our being, we will still have moments in our life when we will not act like it {in fact, speaking for myself, there are times when I act in the complete opposite way}.
Obviously, I decided to publish this post. And well, it came down to this: if I have been a Christian for 24 years and I am still experiencing these memory lapses, it could be safe to assume that others {who have been Christians for more or less time} would be experiencing the exact same ones.
Today isn’t about a monumental epiphany where all the seams in life come together and suddenly light shines into your deepest ache. But today, you can remember the basic truth that everything will work for the praise of his glory and everything we do should be for the praise of his glory. That is what life is about; it is bigger than any type of drama, hardship or daily routine because it all should point back to the one who created it all.
Even the most unimportant, seemingly useless and unimportant parts of our life are predestined, divine moments that God intends to use for the praise of his glory. What it all comes down to is whether or not you chose to live out that truth.
blessing and brokenness.
November 21st, 2011 § Leave a Comment
Have you ever had one of those days where you keep hearing the same lesson over and over again? {I am having one of those mornings…and also one of those mornings that coffee’s power is no match for my present sleepiness…}
While at work I try to listen to sermons online. {if you have any suggestions for your favorite preachers please fill me in! I’m always looking for new online sermons!} Not only do these messages surround me with positivity and teaching, but they also help me keep my sanity! This morning I listened to one of my favorite pastors, Steven Furtick of Elevation Church in North Carolina and a new favorite, Charles Stanley. They both spoke messages of how we all experience many trials and brokenness throughout life. It is ultimately realized that our brokenness leads to both knowing God more fully and experiencing God’s magnificent blessing.
Pastor Steven quoted A.W. Tozer, “It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply,” in his message. I believe that the truth of that statement is monumentally profound for every single life {Christian or not}.
I have certainly experienced this truth in my life, especially recently. I have blogged about my story through my brokenness and into my blessing before, so I thought that this morning I would let the preachers do the teaching!
I hope that you take the time to listen to these Godly men and that God will speak through them into your life. You can click on the links to see Pastor Steven’s message and hear Charles’ radio message. {oh and make sure you check out the other messages at Elevation Church…they are all beyond awesome!}
Have a fantastic day everyone!
Pastor Steven’s Blessed and Broken
Charles Stanley’s Wisdom for Life’s Trials
temporary.
November 16th, 2011 § 1 Comment
As of Monday I am temporarily working at my old Administrative position. {yes…the one that I was depressed in…notice how I said temporarily} To make a long story short, the woman who took my place when I left has taken another job. With the Christmas Party coming up quickly they needed me to step in {temporarily} to plan the event. {not a bad gig…I love planning parties…if I wasn’t pursuing ministry I would definitely be a wedding planner!!}
Now, I first reacted to this job offer with a dramatic “heck no!!“. I almost laughed at the thought of going back to that job. It wasn’t the job itself that I minded or didn’t care for; it was the unsettling connection that the job had with that period of my life. {I think we all have those connections with places and emotions, so I think you know what I am talking about here} It was a place filled with bad memories, negative emotions and a deep depression {and a couple laughs sprinkled here and there too}. I had this paralyzing fear that if I went back I would be taken right back to where I was {mentally, emotionally, physically…} and that I would once again drown in depression.
With that in mind, I still wanted to be open to this opportunity {because let’s face it…the waitressing gig is slowing down now that the cold weather is hitting} and I wanted to be open to what God wanted, not just what I wanted {or didn’t want}. Even in my tremendous fear, I knew that God was bigger than my insecurity and I had faith that if he truly wanted me there, he would show up on my behalf. So I prayed about it…and thought about it…and talked about it. And when it came down to it, I knew I had to go back. {sigh.}
After I made that decision you’d think that I would be a nervous wreck…pacing around like a loony…not sleeping…having anxious thoughts… But I didn’t. In fact, I had so much peace about the decision it was nuts. {I still can’t believe it myself!} I began to see that this was an opportunity for healing. It was an opportunity to face my demons and conquer a fear that had rooted itself within me. I knew that God wanted me to go back, not to torture me or transport me back into a dark and gloomy place, but to set me free. God desired me to be healed from this period of my life and to shed the fears of depression.
So I had my “re-first” day on Monday. I thought that walking back into those doors would send me in tears to the bathroom or sitting at my old desk would undo all of the positive progress that I have made. But instead…
…when I walked in those doors, I felt…nothing. I didn’t have any crazy emotional flashbacks or intense feelings of sudden depression, I just felt like… me. {Healthy, secure, joyful, peace filled..me. What a relief!} As I then carried out my day, employees that knew me would of course greet me with “welcome back!”. And every time I would reply, “it’s just temporary!!” {I felt like that point should be reiterated…over and over.} In those repeated conversations I saw clearly why God wanted to bring me back.
I was back to realize that this job was temporary.
It was always meant to be temporary.
I had thought about that concept before, but at the time I couldn’t fathom having hope that there would ever be a new season of life. {when you are in the midst of a trying season it feels like it’s never going to end. you know what I mean?} I knew it was just a job, a mere means of income. But I never made the connection to truly believe that it was part of a momentary season of life.
The job was a tiny part in my story, but it wasn’t meant to be the entire plot. When I worked this position last time I was filled with fear that it was going to consume the rest of my life, that I would be stuck in the business world forever. I had this immense heaviness in the thought that I would never speak again, or never be a part of ministry again, or never pursue the dreams God has laid on my heart. This perspective for the situation was so wrong and unhealthy. It was that “this season is going to last my entire life” mentality {the all or nothing perspective} that sent me into a deeper depression than I believe I was ever supposed to experience.
Circumstances, feelings, spiritual seasons {both good and bad} are always fleeting. We will continuously be moving on to the next stage in life {if we chose to allow ourselves to move on} and enter a new period of experiences, growth and emotion. Nothing is ever permanent, nothing is ever concrete. Seasons of life are here for a moment, and then we move on to the next one. The danger comes when we immerse ourselves in the lie that we will be in the same place forever. That pitfall traps us in our present situation and will ultimately limit our future capabilities.
I limited myself by my black and white, all or nothing, perspective. By closing myself in this mentality, it hindered me from experiencing what I was supposed to learn in that season and it could have hindered me from moving forward with God’s next season. {I’m so thankful I finally opened my eyes to see the next step}
We experience every season in our life for a reason. It is up to us to realize that each period of our life is a tiny part of our entire story and that God is always moving us on to new experiences. Everything in life is temporary, whether it is our depressed state or a period of joy and ease. God is up to something in our lives, he will always seek to push us, grow us and challenge us. In that process of growth, we will endure many seasons that promote such change within us.
We cannot hinder ourselves by thinking that our present state will last forever, because it won’t. We are all in the season we are in for a reason. We have to enjoy to the fullest the place where we are at {even when it totally sucks} and have faith that it will not last forever {heck..a new season may come tomorrow!}.
Being back at work, I feel completely different about this job, because I know that this is not my permanent placement or calling, it is simply a snapshot in the grand scheme of God’s plan. I feel secure in being in my old position, with a new perspective on life, I know that God has already set something in motion for my future. My responsibility now is to enjoy where I’m at today and to keep my eyes open for God’s next season.
Now talk about some conquered demons!!
the next ten.
November 11th, 2011 § 3 Comments
In light of my birthday post on Wednesday, I began to think not only about my blessings from the past year, but the complete difference in my life from this birthday and last birthday. From the early fall to late spring last year I worked as an Administrative Assistant at a software company. {what an interesting experience…this outgoing social butterfly with a bunch of computer analysts…you can imagine that interaction! especially after working with middle schoolers!}
For the short time that I worked in the “business world” I kept feeling like I didn’t belong, as if I was on the wrong path for my life. I knew that God would use me where ever I was, whether I was in “ministry” or a “secular position”, but the lingering sense that I was not where I was supposed to be dwelled in me for months. I remember sitting at my desk last winter, bored out of my gourd…thinking about my life and my future. I kept imagining how my life would play out if I just accepted life the way it was; if I just accepted mediocrity and if I let the corporate world sweep me up. {I don’t fare well at all with mediocrity..in fact..I think it may be a pet peeve of mine}
The thought of docile submission to that mediocre life made me cringe. In that uncomfortable moment, I thought about what my life would look like in a year. {would I still be working a job that sucked the life out of me? would I have made it up another step on the corporate ladder? and if i did… would it even matter to me?} As I thought about that year an even scarier thought came to me, what would life look like in 10 years on this path? {would I have pursued the dreams that I felt stirring inside of me? or would I have wasted 10 years simply coasting through life simply living to get through another work week?}
After the initial paralyzing fear wore off, those same questions lit a fire within me. I decided that my life would not be mediocre. The next ten years would be used to their fullest potential {I would let God use me to my fullest potential} and I would faithfully pursue my God given passions and desires. In ten years, I want to be able to look back and say that I lived for my purpose and potential and I didn’t let life coast on by.
To start that faithful journey I took two steps; I applied to seminary and put in my two weeks notice. {so completely terrifying.}
I realized that those steps would be the start of truly living. It would be the start of the next 10 years, filled with ups and downs, but always pursuing after what God has for me.
Now as I look at the difference between this year and last year, it is absolutely a night and day difference. That tired, depressed, hopeless, mediocre life no longer exists here. Today, I am filled with life {when I say that I mean that I feel like myself again… filled with energy, hope, joy and most of all, contentment}. I know that I am passionately pursuing God’s plan for me and I am walking faithfully each day in his calling. {that looks different each day..some days it’s a nudge to blog…others to make a specific connection..and other days, it’s to simply finish my homework!}
I know that there are some people who are experiencing what I experienced; living a life that they don’t belong in {whether that is in a specific job, school, degree program, friend group…} and being utterly broken and disappointed by the thought of living a mediocre, ordinary life that shatters their potential and leaves their purpose to the side.
In my Rick Warren devotional, Rick discussed our lives and how we can pursue Godly goals through our God given gifts and dreams. He posed these reflective statements that will literally light a fire within us all: {the questions were posed over a course of a few days. I have condensed the questions here.}
“Ask yourself these four questions: 1) What do I want to be? 2)What do I want to do? 3)What do I want to have? 4) Why do I want it?”
and….”How do I intend to get there once I know what my goal is?”
In my devotional yesterday, Rick said, “One key to discovering your destiny is to identify the needs that stir your heart. What is it that upsets you? What causes you to think, ‘Somebody ought to do something about that?’“
I am still thinking about those very questions. Each day I reflect about what stirs within me and how God desires to do something about it through my life. In the past year I have taken a step of obedience in what God has planned for me. I didn’t want to settle for a mediocre existence. God didn’t want me to settle for a mediocre existence. So I jumped in with both feet…ready for God to use my potential and purpose.
I’m not sure what God has been nudging you to do. I have no idea what step of faith he has been calling you to take. All I can say is that we are not meant to live in mediocrity. We are not meant to live an ordinary and substandard life. We are meant for so much more.
For me, I had to look at my life ten years from now to really light a fire within me. Maybe you have to do the same. What do you want the next ten years of your life to look like? As Rick says,
“You can either drift through life or you can be directed through life by taking the time to think through where God wants you to be.”
That choice is up to us.
birthday blessings.
November 9th, 2011 § 3 Comments
Today is my 24th birthday. {ugh…i’m getting so old. lol} I feel a mixture of both excitement and sadness. I am so excited to be with my family and have an occasion to celebrate all together. {I always try to come up with new fun family activities that we can do to celebrate…I’m not sure what this year will hold..anyone have any ideas??} I am also a little melancholy about the day; I have never really enjoyed my birthday. {do any of us really?} Maybe I don’t like the attention, maybe I don’t like getting older…who knows really. All I know is that I’ve had a lot of rotten things happen to me around or on my birthday, so it kinda stinks that my day has been associated with negative events in my life. However….
I am bound and determined to be positive this year! {please pray for me on this one}
After another year of life, with lessons learned, wisdom gained and experiences had, I am taking today to truly reminisce and reflect upon my 23rd year. What better way to reflect than to remember everything that I am thankful for?! To better focus on the positives of this day I have made a list of 24 {in honor of my 24th birthday, of course} blessings in my life that I am so grateful to have. {they are in no specific order whatsoever, some are serious, some are silly…but hey i’m thankful for them all}
24 blessings for a 24th birthday;
1. my beautiful family; we are all crazy, loud and wacky {maybe because we are “wack-owiaks??” haha}. the laughs I share with them are completely priceless.
2. my parents’ generosity; everyone knows that it is not the coolest thing to be living at home after undergrad {some young adults even have to pay rent if they do!} thankfully, my parents have allowed me to stay home rent free and have been so gracious in the time when they should be empty nesters!
3. my incredible fiancé; he is the most loving, generous, supportive man I have ever met. i’m so thankful for the 2 years we have shared together. he has literally pushed me to pursue my dreams and do what God has called me to do.
4. healed relationships; i’ll go into the details another time. i can say now that God is in the healing and restoration business, and he covers us all in his love.
5. a new little wachowiak; i’m going to be an aunt for the first time ever! come april call me aunt laura!
6. my adorable chocolate labs, madison rose and isabel peyton {yes…my dogs have human names}; it may seem silly, but when no one else understands and you just need someone to listen to you, they are the best friends a girl could ask for. they simply melt my heart.
7. my new church; after a long journey of trying to find a place to belong, I finally feel like I have found it.
8. the journey to find a church; because it has taken so long to find a place where i feel connected, i feel so much more appreciative for what i now have. the journey was long, but so worth it.
9. attending seminary; i never thought that the day would come when i would be fulfilling my dream to be in seminary. everyday is just a reminder that dreams do come true.
10. new friends; its been a long road to find good Christian women to connect with, and through school and church i have met some truly wonderful {and real!} ladies.
11. refined ministry; my small group of 20 something ladies are absolutely amazing! it is such an honor to be able to do life with them.
12. the Lord’s provision; God has always provided for me through all of my changing life circumstances. that is a testament to God’s power and love.
13. my current job; i simply love serving in restaurants. not only are my co workers hysterical {like pee your pants hysterical!} i also meet the most interesting customers! every night is another adventure.
14. is it weird to be thankful that breaking dawn is premiering in 9 days?? well… i am. enough said.
15. this blog; i consider it a complete blessing to be able to share my story to inspire and encourage people through my experiences. i thank God everyday for this opportunity.
16. every pain, struggle, trial that i have endured this past year; i am seriously thankful for it all. without every ounce of pain i wouldn’t be in the wonderful place that i’m at today.
17. new insights and a new heart; at this point in my life i finally feel like my heart is full with God’s love and mercy. it is an indescribable feeling.
18. coffee, bulk chocolate and moes southwest grill; mmmmm…soo good. thank you Lord for delicious food.
19. i finally found a perfect buttercream recipe; do you know how difficult that is??!! it is literally a God send!
20. God is God, and I am not; i’m thankful that God is in control of everything, i don’t have to worry about my present or future, because he has it all in his hands.
21. g.r.a.c.e; i have made mistakes, but the Lord is so loving and merciful, his sacrifice covers all of them. all i can say is, amen!
22. my freedom; too often we overlook the freedoms we have as americans. we should never forget that men and women risk their lives and futures to ensure our basic freedoms. i don’t think i could ever do what they do for us…they are all heroes who deserve our appreciation.
23. deferred loans; can i get an amen?? i am sooooo glad i don’t have to think about those for at least another 2 years. woo wee what a relief! {for now at least!}
24. last but not least, a bright and hopeful future; God has some unimaginable opportunities in store. i cannot express how excited i am to see all that God has prepared!
So after 24 blessings, this 24th birthday is already shaping up to be positive!
Thank you Lord for everything you have provided and everything you have blessed me with. May I live this year to glorify your Holy, Holy name.
a lil’ bit of this. a lil’ bit of that.
November 4th, 2011 § 1 Comment
I realized today that I haven’t really blogged at all about my seminary experience so far! To basically sum it up, I can say that it’s like trying to drink from a fire hose. {that’s the analogy that I was told anyway…} The amount of required reading each week is literally insanity {it’s all such good stuff! I wish I had 30 hour days so I could actually retain it all…I don’t think that will ever become a reality, so I guess I’ll just stick with the water hose analogy}. And the classes have been so incredibly insightful {I feel like I come out of class every Thursday night feeling like my eyes were opened to a whole new world of thinking. Pretty crazy. Pretty intense. I. Love. It!}.
By far my favorite part about seminary so far is the people. I’ve always had this preconceived notion {I’m not sure where I got this from…} that everyone in seminary would be boring, square and anti-social {once again…I have no idea where I came up with this..maybe I got seminarians and monks confused?? who knows.} But honestly, these people are incredible. When I say incredible, I mean incredible. They are the most honest, caring, insightful, patient and real people I have met in a looonnnnggg time. {and to add, they are the complete opposite of boring, square and anti-social!!} I feel so honored to be around each one of them.
The most interesting part about seminary so far is the faith sharing group. {sigh…..} To explain a faith sharing group, it is a bunch of my classmates who fill out mini journals each day, and come together every two weeks or so and share what God has been showing us. {sounds great eh?} The only catch is that you cannot respond to anyone’s response {you would think that this would be easy…but as soon as you aren’t allowed to talk, suddenly the urge to talk becomes much stronger}. We sit as a group of people who are sharing our inmost thoughts and feelings, exposing details of our lives that no one else knows…and then we get to sit. In silence. And not say a word. {talk about torture}
I was thinking about this whole sharing experience last night during the session, about how real our lives and stories had become to each other. My classmates were opening up about their fears, insecurities, praises, successes, failures, troubles, issues, blessings…we all have talked about everything under the sun. {and of course…for the first month I was a crying hot mess, talk about a great first impression} All I could think about in this time as people shared their very personal, intimate emotions and experiences is that this is how we are supposed to do life. Together. Jesus longs for us to be real with each other, to open up our hearts to share what we are really feeling and what we are really thinking about our lives and circumstances. {for more on authenticity} It is absolutely crazy to me each night at faith sharing how from the outside everyone looks calm and in control…and then when it’s their turn to share…and they expose this utter chaos from within themselves.
Even though I can’t respond to my classmates situations, I feel like somehow I am doing life with them, experiencing their lives as I live mine. It’s truly a beautiful thing, to see the inner thoughts and emotions of an individual, and connect with them on that personal and spiritual level, because in your heart you know you’ve felt or thought the same thing. That’s the body of Christ working and breathing; interconnected by similar feelings, experiences and thoughts; learning from one another through those very elements that make us who we are.
I don’t really have an insightful one liner like I usually do, I just figured I’d let you contemplate on your own what God is telling your from all that. All I can say is that I’m so thankful for this season of my life, so thankful that I get to do life with my classmates and so thankful that this is how God calls us to live all throughout our lives.
